Top Ten Mixtape Killers Pt. 1

I want to preface my list with the disclaimer that I actually love all the songs on my list. However, for various reasons, I feel that these songs should never be put on a mixtape for a girl - be it a girl you're trying to be more than friends with, a girl you're dating, or even your wife. Some songs were chosen because they might make you look like a creepy loser, or, because you'll appear weak, or, maybe you'll just look like a prick. Without further ado:

1. Harry Nilsson - Without You
Harry's version of this song is heartbreakingly gorgeous, but, the borderline sacchrine and string-soaked chorus of "I can't live, if living is without you" tends to be a little cloying for me. To add insult to injury, this song was used in a pivotal moment of "Rules of Attraction" when a young girl, heartbroken over an unrequited crush on James Van Der Beek, successfully commits suicide by slitting her wrists in the bathtub. I don't think I'll ever be able to disassociate that intensely morose image from this song.

2. Cheap Trick - I Want You To Want Me
Sure, it's a great anthemic song that everyone sings along to when it plays on the radio, but, have you ever realized how pathetic this song really is? I couldn't imagine giving this song to a girl and expecting her to take me seriously. It's kinda like saying "Hey, I'm pretty pathetic, but, could I get a pity fuck?"

3. Arcade Fire - Crown of Love
Upon first glance, you'd think this was a sweet love song, but, it's actually the nicest possible way of saying "Sorry, I've lost that loving feeling." On a positive note, I love the song for the fact that it urges you not to "settle" and find the person whose name is the "only word that I can say!"

4. Creedence Clearwater Revival - I Put A Spell On You
This isn't a CCR original, but their cover is probably the most sinister version I've heard. A twisted tale of controlling a woman with black magic and not putting up with any of her "fooling around" probably won't earn you an invite into a girl's bed anytime soon.

5. Bob Dylan - It Ain't Me, Babe
You'd be hard pressed to find another song that so eloquently sends the message: "Don't bother me anymore." The gentle, lulling melody tends to blunt some rather crushing lines: "Go away from my window/ go at your own chosen speed."

6. Bob Dylan - Just Like A Woman
It is very difficult to pick just one Dylan song for this list, so I had to include this back-handed lovesong. The song is simultaneously full of praise and bitterness. The song is best summed up by the line: "When we meet again/ introduced as friends/ please don't let on that you knew me when/ I was hungry and it was your world."

7. Wilco - We're Just Friends
This is one of my favorite Wilco songs. Mainly, because it hits too close to home. Jeff Tweedy's voice is so full of resignation in this song that it just crushes your heart. You get the definite impression that his feelings are not being reciprocated and he's basically giving up and convincing himself that "sure, we're just friends."

8. Weezer - No One Else
Wow, where to start with this one? First of all, this song is probably the birth of "emo" music. Secondly, Rivers is expressing a desire to have a girlfriend that will be a sad, little hermit when he's not around. Lastly, any girl that would actually give in to his demands would have to be pretty pathetic herself.

9. Walkmen - The Rat
As much as I (and every other guy for that matter) love this song , it makes a strong case for the use of restraining orders. Although a man's anger and frustration with a woman can be validated at times, you could just as easily give off a creepy stalker vibe.

10. Any Bright Eyes song
This would be the ultimate way of showing a girl that, deep down, you have no balls. The only girls you could possibly impress with a Bright Eyes song are jailbait.