Saturday, December 10, 2005

Top Ten Mixtape Killers Pt. 2: Sex Edition

Inspired by Ben's Top Ten Mixtape Killers list.

Sometimes a little music is necessary while making love, having sex, and/or fucking. For one, you don't have to hear those squishy penis-in-vagina noises. Or the sensual sounds of stomach slapping. Volume is key-- you don't want to drown out your lover's ooohs and ahhhs with thumping bass, but you also want it loud enough so that she doesn't catch you straining to hear it during your favorite part of a particular song. Without further ado, here are ten songs best kept out of the bedroom:

1. Nine Inch Nails - Closer
This is so obvious that I'm embarrassed I have to include it. "I want to fuck you like an animal" might be a nice thing to whisper in your lover's ear, depending on what you're into. Hearing Trent Reznor do it, on the otherhand, isn't arousing in the least.

2. Nirvana - Rape Me
Okay, so this is obvious as well. However, you just know some grunge loving couples were fucking to their new copy of In Utero in 1993 and then this song came on. Kind of takes all the fun out of it, no? Speaking from experience, rape jokes are never funny when alone with a girl.

3. Ying Yang Twins - Wait (The Whisper Song)
"Hey bitch, wait'll you see my dick/ I'm a beat that pussy up."

4. Art Brut - Rusted Guns of Milan
As far as I can tell, this song is about the inability to maintain an erection during sex. Happens to the best of us. But you don't need her-- or you, for that matter-- thinking about that in the heat of the moment. "It doesn't mean that I don't love you/ One more try with me above you/ It's got nothing to do with anything I've had to drink/ It's more to do with the way I think."

5. Tenacious D - Fuck Her Gently
Because you'll be laughing. "I think I've got something in my teeth/ Could you get it out for me?/ That's fucking teamwork!" The other problem with this song is that you have to picture Jack Black and Kyle Gass naked. And that's not a pleasant image.

6. Fiona Apple - Criminal
No man wants to be emasculated in bed. Sure, sometimes it's hot to have your woman take control, but you don't want her to be in this much control. Plus, the video for this song just makes me feel like a dirty old man. And I'm only 23.

7. Bright Eyes - Lover I Don't Have to Love
This is especially true for one night stands or casual flings. It's about being drunk, taking someone home, and that's that. Conor manages to sound as sleazy as he can in this song. Sure, you both know this isn't the start of a serious relationship, but come on, don't make her feel like a piece of meat. "I want a lover I don't have to love/ I want a girl who's just out to give a fuck".

8. Britney Spears - Toxic
There's no denying how hot this song is, but it's too hot for the sex you're likely to be having. While Brit has certainly lost much of her sex appeal recently, that doesn't mean that you'll stop thinking about how hot she was in the video for this song. You'll be thinking about that damn flight attendant outfit, and then open your eyes and see the regular girl in front of you.

9. The Darkness - Growing On Me
Popular belief is that this song is about genital warts or herpes. Whether or not that's true (and come on, listen to it), I'm gonna go ahead and suggest that STDs aren't what you want floating through either of your minds while having sex.

10. Any Marvin Gaye/Barry White song
I'm not even concerned with the cliche/lame factor-- taste is taste. My problem with hearing Marvin and Barry during sex is that you will never live up to being the kind of lover that their songs suggest. Sorry, but no man is capable of providing orgasms even worthy of discussion on the same level as "Sexual Healing".


Post a Comment

<< Home